thirst.

"I would do anything for you
I would climb mountains
I would swim all the oceans blue
I would walk a thousand miles "

you thought everything would be the same ai? you were that naive. you thought we were going to grew up together. as best friends, as lovers, as two people holding hands forever? you are an idiot. you are such an asshole. i hate you. i cant stop loving you at the same time. what should that make me feel? am i as bad as you, am i that cruel also? am i as careless as you? you threw out everything we had. we loved each other. we were the best. you made me feel awful. you made me feel like a prick. i hate you for that. and i will never forgive you. you know that. thats why you act so weird when i'm around you. thats why you are so scared to look in my eyes. my beatiful brown eyes. i hate your guts. i hate you . hate you. a loving hatred.

"Shake your hair girl with your ponytail
Takes me right back ........when you were young....."


its strongly recommended to read this while listening "if there is something" by Roxy Music.

sally.

" you realize of course that we can never be friends.
why not?
what i am saying is man and woman can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
that's not true! "

Is it? Is sex that important. Should it decide who you are gonna be friends with? Can't you choose the person you'll share your thoughts and happiness or sadness regardless of their genital inheritance? Is it too hard not to stick your tongue onto the opposite sex, and want just to share opinions.

" no man can be friends to a woman he finds attractive. he always wants to have sex with her.
what if they don't wanna have sex with you?
doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. "

What about that! So one side is so pathetically perverted that even the other one doesn't want to do anything, they can't help themselves and try to nail them. Is humankind that needy. Do we just need sex? Why are we not placing sex cabins in the middle of busy squares for the ones desperately in need of getting laid. Wouldn't it be a great solution to this. There would be a man's and a woman's entrance and they would go in to the cabin from different sides, lie on the bed and wait for the other to step in. They would do it and go to their own roads. Why not do this instead of turning friendships into sex related, disgusting, self-questioning matters.


" well, i guess we'll not gonna be friends then.
i guess not.
it's too bad cause you were the only person that i knew in new york. "



the quotes are taken from "quand harry rencontre sally" (1989) .

rhapsody.

" is this the real life?
no, it's just fantasy! "

she wasn't feeling anything walking through the narrow aisle of the gross aircraft. a journey far away from her life was starting and she was just not feeling anything. the uncertainty of the things await her and the unexpected turn of events that made her feel weird through her last days combined into a huge dust. she was almost high without drinking. her mind was lost with the noise of her hand-luggage she was dragging behind her. she sat on the seat 23A, grabbed her book which she will never finish and fell into sleep. the plane landed half a day later. the stewardess gently touched her shoulder to wake her up. she didn't respond. she bended over and looked at her face and tried to wake her up. she was not reacting at all. the stewardess got worried and shook her holding her both shoulders. then she thought of checking her breath.
no signal there. she panicked and started screaming.

" open your eyes, look up to the skies and see. "

time.

let me tell you what the worst invention that humankind came up with is; time.

i dream a world without time, it would be a better place. imagine a world, without birthdays, due dates, ages, calendars etc. think about how you are limited with time. i say if time was not acknowledged at all, people would do lots of great things without the concern of being late. just think about it, if concepts of days, weeks, years, hours, minutes.. were not known (even if they would still exist) everything would be easier.

try to erase your vocabulary of "time", (words like day, second, hour) and use the rest of your words for a (i would say day, but i already erased it). look how hard it is. so why on earth did someone needed to give this pain to people by caring enough about how the sun rises and sets.

who cares about how much you should work on sth. or how long you should be on vacation or to go even deeper, how long does it take for a woman to grow a child in her uterus. these are all redundant to know since we don't know how long we are gonna be on this earth.
so if the end is unknown, why do we spend so much "time" and effort on constraining our unlimited existence.



"Suicide" is not the right word, but it is the first word that comes to mind.

dehydration.

is it possible to forget something that really bothers you?
have you ever had a secret that you are even afraid of telling to yourself?
and have you ever told this vast information to someone who is the most irrelevant both to you and to the subject. do you see this person around a lot? if no, you may think that it is not a big deal, you might not see them for sometime and totally forgot that you told them, but the second you bump up to them, the second it is a Damn-big deal. this encounter, at first will seem to you as just a coincidence but the moment you understand that it is not, this thought makes you want to puke. or even makes you go puke, not kiddin, you just leave the place and throw-up in the middle of the first deserted road you find. it is not finished. did you think you can get away with just emptying your guts? of course not, you wont be able to sleep nor think about anything else but just the fear of the secret to be spread.

yeah if you have experienced or think that you can experience half of the things that has been just narrated, you may diagnose yourself as paranoiac.
get over yourself and go to sleep.

black.

" so what's next?
nothing, it's just over. "

they were standing next to their mother's dead body, both exhausted watching her die. it was the first time they saw each other after 6 years. they've both changed a lot. so as their mother. at least they thought so seeing her bald head. an anonymous call disturbed them early in the morning and both of them arrived to the white, ghostly entrance of the hospital right around the same time. not knowing what to feel made them even feel worse. living in the same city with your mom and brother and not seeing them for six-damn years.

it took her exactly six more hours to pass away after she saw her sons. they didn't talk much, what was there to talk for if you're even embarassed to breathe.

" i am taking off.
yeah, hope to see you in my deathbed too. "

relief.

it may be the case that it is impossible to find the true meaning of life. but i sorta think that even acknowledging some small things help people through the way. recently it has been all about opening up to things which were a great taboo for me. through the process, i must say, i found out that nothing is "wrong" and there is no such a thing as being right.
small things that occupy a lot of space in our daily lives do not exist in the general picture. because everyone has their own general picture and they set themselves in the middle of it. getting out of that leading position is hard for so many people and in my opinion the only way to be happy is to step aside and open up the way for others to sit on the heart of everything. not saying that one should wipe out their own ego and give the whole stage to others. just thinking that it would be helpful for once to get rid of the pressure of always wanting to be the most important and impressive of all.
it might feel relieving.

kubrick.

" so you think you can torture me?
more than that bro, i am gonna tolchoke you and get you not only mad but even! "

was it possible for people to get their madness out of that boy? is it possible to feel peace after that much pain. he murdered one woman and responsible of the death of another woman by mistake. so what ought to be done? kill the man¿ or just forget the hell about it. he suffered to you know. he suffered really bad. he had to deal with this awful treatment sessions in which he is made to hate even to the only thing he loves: ludwig van. he tried to kill himself after finding his beloved snake died listening to the ninth on the back.
is it ever enough, the things a person, even a very dishonest one, go through. should everyone walk the same road of torture. or are some of us more lucky than the others. you have to chose an ending now cause it is getting very late. not for the story tho, for yourself. pic your own happy-ending. does it ought to be happy or have it ever been happy?
have you asked any of the elderly how their lives has been passed without their notice. is there a greater power or is it just a pitifull belief like a dog believes in his owner.

" weren't you waiting for that devoutchka to f...?
do whatever you want with thy, i have no interest neither in her nor anything anymore.. "

luc.

❛ you don't even trust yourself, how come you expect me to trust you?
..it's just this feeling, it aches. not being loved and not to be loved till eternity. ❜

was she his guardian angel who tries to help him find the love he hides from himself. or was she literally the love in him. his conscience, his only identity, the scent he feels while falling asleep on the bench á Jardin des Tuileries. its not easy to distinguish the true angels in life. was she one of those, his own one? or another crook trying to mess with his mind. encountering the only person who can help you love yourself on the whole world is a big deal. the only problem is to decide whether to make the best profit out of it or ruining it by falling in love with it.

❝ it is over. my wings are coming out.

...non, s'il te plait , reviens. je t'aime.
je t'aime (..et il pleure) ❞

rebellion.

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophes
Bring me to my knees
Well I must be my own master
Or a miniature disaster will be
It will be the death of me

moment.

its amazing how the past doesnt let you move on. you seem to live the moment but what you actually do is tryin to avoid your past, or takin lessons from it. i dont support the idea that a persons past must be all about regrets and bad memories, but the thing is you never remember the good stuff. always wondering what would have been or how you should of acted back then is a big torture.
here i am swimming around my emotions, regrets, could of beens of the first century i lived in. recently i cannot help myself and listen to all this music, watch all these old shows i used to watch and look back to my teenage years.
what i learned is, the more i get attached to my history, the more i attract it. the things which seem to be the most impossible tend to realize and i bump up to these people who meant a lot to me.
it is all about change and moving on. but i should admit, i couldnt move on slightly as much as i would like to.
i am still seeing all those dreams i used to see, only with different quotes and characters in them. and when i try to face it i realise that even they are the same with different outfits. i know it doesnt makes any sense complaining about it cause it kinda feels okay and alive.

new.

" arrested development?
hmm, not so much. "


they just met online, trying to learn about each other by asking random questions in a silly way. they both were curious and willing to wait to see how things will sort out. thinking there are so many things they "like" in common one of them suddenly realised that the least expected things reveal last.




" scrubs?
not so much, not anymore. "

ability.

the thing about liberty is that you cannot have it right away.
you have to fight for it.

voir.

there is an opposite to déja vu. they call it jamais vu.
it's when you meet the same people or visit places, again and again,
but each time is the first. everybody is always a stranger. nothing is
ever familiar.

"freedom" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

saya.

" they can't touch me
run so fast they can't even catch me "

they were running after him. all he could think about was the paper plane he made before the chasing begun. while his little paper plane was being crushed under the feet of a stranger, he felt something on his shoulder and turned his back to check it.

" dogs run, they start to follow me
don't worry your paper planes are gonna save me. "

fatima.

Beautiful Fatima Spar singing indescribable bosa noga.

safe.

" so is it why you're locking your door, to avoid me?

   i am just scared of vampires, that's all.                            "

he bended over saying that. he was staring at the red paint which was supposed to be his blood. vampire leaned on his neck and bit his neck for the second time, promising that he will bleed actual blood this time. 

" it is okay now, 

   you don't need to lock your room again.

   i am done .                                                                   "

                     

 

  

inspiré par: "quartier de la madeleine" dans "paris je t'aime".

Friday.

Walking around İstanbul has always been a joy for me. Yesterday it was even more of a joy cause i had a purpose doing that. A close friend and i hopped on to a bus from Etiler and got off from the tram at Sirkeci. The aim was to buy an old full-mechanic camera, and we found a 25-year old one for a fair price. here it is:

So after finding what we wanted remembering that we are in a good area to take photos, we started walking around the golden horn. We loaded some black&white film and started climbing the hill towards the Galata Tower. The idea was to go to the top of the tower and picture the beautiful view from there.

On the way up, being very tired and cold, we decided to give a break and drink somethin warm and just the moment we were talkin about that the lovely Molly's Café blinked us. We entered with some doubts on our minds, at least i did. But as soon as we met Molly - a canadian lady who is in İstanbul for 8 years - and her decent latte it became my favorite place in town. The café is like a living room it has couches and sofas which make inside very cosy. I haven't taste the food but i am sure it is great too. She also does events like poetry reading, film screening and world cuisines dinner parties, for example there is an Uzbek dinner party held tonight.

Molly and her café.

The conversation and the environment were so magnificent that we postponed the Galata Tower gig to another day. For more info about her and the café click here.

After coming home i was eager to go into bed right away but then i remembered that my friend Ari has her house-warming party at night. So i changed and went there with too little expectations but it turned out to be great. There were like ten different nationalities and that much different languages in the same house. After everyone got drunk and the crazy neighbor got more crazy i left and went to sleep after a very long and fine Friday.

Don't suffer, live Forever...

one.

" are you being realistic?

   non, i am a total dreamer! "

   

what would life OR world be like if people didnt have different view points. try to imagine everyone thinking, feeling and acting the same way in every single subject. think that everyone wanted a single type of system and everyone agreed on angelina is right and jennifer has the fault or everyone listened to country music and no other. people dressed the identical clothes, not for they couldnt make varieties but that they all like the same type of appearance. 

if people were one there would be no disputes, even wars.

i wouldnt give up mine or any others' uniqueness for anything. 

" ok. you have to stop there, 

   cause i hate dreamers.      "               

inspired by: 'one vision, Queen'

luck

okey, this night was amazing.

never could believe without seeing with my own eyes that a white german kid can do such great reggae. he is a student in my school called joseph, the only thing i could learn about him is his name and he is a history grad student, which is a kinda lame but he is Great on stage. 

the whole night was kind of an illusion, today in the afternoon a friend and i went to see a movie, that was it, we were gonna return afterwards, apparently a bigger source of power influenced us to stay in taxim. so we had dinner in mcdonalds then went to kafe"ara", which makes the best cafe au lait, while we were thinking to call it a night friends called and they invited us to kafepi lounge in asmalimescit. so we went there and three other places... but

the most remarkable event of the night was that alternative reggaish group we watched and danced at Dogzstar. i dont know if they are gonna perform ever again but it is strictly recommended not to skip it. 

so yeah, it was an amazing night and it is unbelievable that we didnt spend so much on it. sometimes people get lucky.

instant

" what is that on the floor?

   those, they are just my thoughts in red "

he fainted as he was saying his last words. he never woke up. those thoughts were two drops of blood from his nose. he was always sarcastic about things, but this, his death. i am sure he liked the way he passed away. he must be proud of what he said, and thinking that people are going to remember him that way. even he couldn't recall anything from his life, from all those years the only thing in his mind is that last moment of his. 

"daddy, those are not thoughts, 

  you are bleeding. "

dual.

         double the pleasure.

stop

people tend to classify things. some just categorize little things, they organize their socks according to their size, color and arrange them in an order that they are gonna wear in different days of the week, or others differentiate the scents they use into different types of weather or event as sunny, rainy, formal or everyday. 

since i live in a university district and everyone kinda knows each other from somewhere i felt the need of inventing a method to classify people and how i greet them. there are basically three groups of people to me; the ones that i ignore, the ones i stop walking and have a little conversation with, and the ones that i nod and say "wassup" to while walking and not wait the answer back. 

of course there are sub-groups to these people, there are different ways of ignoring i use for different characters, if this person i am ignoring is into music or kinda intellectual i fake reading or act like i am sucked into my earphones while i pass them by. if they are whom i call "social butterflies" i pretend talking on the phone or if i am with someone, i fake having a great fun and find myself talking about a party that i made up just that actual moment. 

i did exaggerate a little but yeah thats what i do and the ones i stop and really talk with are the ones i really like having around. 

and i do stop a lot.

sub-conscious.

" so what do you think about rehab?

   umm,, rehab is for quitters.          "

a guy in a middle age crisis and a cheap whore were just chattering like this in a creepy bar. the guy was in the denial period of his father passing away recently and the whore, well she was just trying to make some cash. 

" i never payed for sex in my life you know.

   yeah, no one did.                                          "

they kept going on about how life was sucked for both of them, literally the guy was thinking if his dad was having a good time in hell and the whore was wondering the size of his dick. 

escape.

sometimes people take stuff for granted. 

that is what i did with everything in my life, my family, friends, room, laptop, cellphone, clothes, scent.. than i realized that non of them really belong to me, at one time they will all go away, even my body will leave me. the thing is i really didnt see this comin before i was in the bathroom pooping earlier today, it is funny how some grand thoughts and big revolutions start in the oddest places. after i flushed the toilet i was a different person knowing that "this", my whole life, is an illusion. i am writing a new chapter to a fiction novel every single second. this all is my imagination, the letters in the keyboard, the screen i look at, the popping icon in my dock, i am making up all of them. they all are in my head trying to escape but cannot decide whether to use the door or the window.