FUCK MY LIFE.
OR PUT ME BACK TOGETHER.

thirst.

"I would do anything for you
I would climb mountains
I would swim all the oceans blue
I would walk a thousand miles "

you thought everything would be the same ai? you were that naive. you thought we were going to grew up together. as best friends, as lovers, as two people holding hands forever? you are an idiot. you are such an asshole. i hate you. i cant stop loving you at the same time. what should that make me feel? am i as bad as you, am i that cruel also? am i as careless as you? you threw out everything we had. we loved each other. we were the best. you made me feel awful. you made me feel like a prick. i hate you for that. and i will never forgive you. you know that. thats why you act so weird when i'm around you. thats why you are so scared to look in my eyes. my beatiful brown eyes. i hate your guts. i hate you . hate you. a loving hatred.

"Shake your hair girl with your ponytail
Takes me right back ........when you were young....."


its strongly recommended to read this while listening "if there is something" by Roxy Music.

sally.

" you realize of course that we can never be friends.
why not?
what i am saying is man and woman can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
that's not true! "

Is it? Is sex that important. Should it decide who you are gonna be friends with? Can't you choose the person you'll share your thoughts and happiness or sadness regardless of their genital inheritance? Is it too hard not to stick your tongue onto the opposite sex, and want just to share opinions.

" no man can be friends to a woman he finds attractive. he always wants to have sex with her.
what if they don't wanna have sex with you?
doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. "

What about that! So one side is so pathetically perverted that even the other one doesn't want to do anything, they can't help themselves and try to nail them. Is humankind that needy. Do we just need sex? Why are we not placing sex cabins in the middle of busy squares for the ones desperately in need of getting laid. Wouldn't it be a great solution to this. There would be a man's and a woman's entrance and they would go in to the cabin from different sides, lie on the bed and wait for the other to step in. They would do it and go to their own roads. Why not do this instead of turning friendships into sex related, disgusting, self-questioning matters.


" well, i guess we'll not gonna be friends then.
i guess not.
it's too bad cause you were the only person that i knew in new york. "



the quotes are taken from "quand harry rencontre sally" (1989) .

rhapsody.

" is this the real life?
no, it's just fantasy! "

she wasn't feeling anything walking through the narrow aisle of the gross aircraft. a journey far away from her life was starting and she was just not feeling anything. the uncertainty of the things await her and the unexpected turn of events that made her feel weird through her last days combined into a huge dust. she was almost high without drinking. her mind was lost with the noise of her hand-luggage she was dragging behind her. she sat on the seat 23A, grabbed her book which she will never finish and fell into sleep. the plane landed half a day later. the stewardess gently touched her shoulder to wake her up. she didn't respond. she bended over and looked at her face and tried to wake her up. she was not reacting at all. the stewardess got worried and shook her holding her both shoulders. then she thought of checking her breath.
no signal there. she panicked and started screaming.

" open your eyes, look up to the skies and see. "

time.

let me tell you what the worst invention that humankind came up with is; time.

i dream a world without time, it would be a better place. imagine a world, without birthdays, due dates, ages, calendars etc. think about how you are limited with time. i say if time was not acknowledged at all, people would do lots of great things without the concern of being late. just think about it, if concepts of days, weeks, years, hours, minutes.. were not known (even if they would still exist) everything would be easier.

try to erase your vocabulary of "time", (words like day, second, hour) and use the rest of your words for a (i would say day, but i already erased it). look how hard it is. so why on earth did someone needed to give this pain to people by caring enough about how the sun rises and sets.

who cares about how much you should work on sth. or how long you should be on vacation or to go even deeper, how long does it take for a woman to grow a child in her uterus. these are all redundant to know since we don't know how long we are gonna be on this earth.
so if the end is unknown, why do we spend so much "time" and effort on constraining our unlimited existence.



"Suicide" is not the right word, but it is the first word that comes to mind.

dehydration.

is it possible to forget something that really bothers you?
have you ever had a secret that you are even afraid of telling to yourself?
and have you ever told this vast information to someone who is the most irrelevant both to you and to the subject. do you see this person around a lot? if no, you may think that it is not a big deal, you might not see them for sometime and totally forgot that you told them, but the second you bump up to them, the second it is a Damn-big deal. this encounter, at first will seem to you as just a coincidence but the moment you understand that it is not, this thought makes you want to puke. or even makes you go puke, not kiddin, you just leave the place and throw-up in the middle of the first deserted road you find. it is not finished. did you think you can get away with just emptying your guts? of course not, you wont be able to sleep nor think about anything else but just the fear of the secret to be spread.

yeah if you have experienced or think that you can experience half of the things that has been just narrated, you may diagnose yourself as paranoiac.
get over yourself and go to sleep.

black.

" so what's next?
nothing, it's just over. "

they were standing next to their mother's dead body, both exhausted watching her die. it was the first time they saw each other after 6 years. they've both changed a lot. so as their mother. at least they thought so seeing her bald head. an anonymous call disturbed them early in the morning and both of them arrived to the white, ghostly entrance of the hospital right around the same time. not knowing what to feel made them even feel worse. living in the same city with your mom and brother and not seeing them for six-damn years.

it took her exactly six more hours to pass away after she saw her sons. they didn't talk much, what was there to talk for if you're even embarassed to breathe.

" i am taking off.
yeah, hope to see you in my deathbed too. "

relief.

it may be the case that it is impossible to find the true meaning of life. but i sorta think that even acknowledging some small things help people through the way. recently it has been all about opening up to things which were a great taboo for me. through the process, i must say, i found out that nothing is "wrong" and there is no such a thing as being right.
small things that occupy a lot of space in our daily lives do not exist in the general picture. because everyone has their own general picture and they set themselves in the middle of it. getting out of that leading position is hard for so many people and in my opinion the only way to be happy is to step aside and open up the way for others to sit on the heart of everything. not saying that one should wipe out their own ego and give the whole stage to others. just thinking that it would be helpful for once to get rid of the pressure of always wanting to be the most important and impressive of all.
it might feel relieving.